I realized that I haven’t blogged in a while, but I have a lot going on in my life that I haven’t wanted to process. At least not now. I just don’t want to deal with all of the stuff and I wonder when I became so risk averse.
I have always been a little quiet and cautious, especially in my younger days. It was the residue of some dysfunctional situations in my life. I didn’t really know what to do or say or think, so I retreated.But I learned how to articulate my thoughts and found my voice and for a while, I was fearless.
But now, the old anxieties and doubtful feelings have resurfaced and I know that I need to deal with the situations at hand,but I don’t want to. I think because the possible outcomes could be extraordinary that the enormity of the moment has me a little paralyzed. But great reward demands great risk. Love and peace and happiness is risky business, so I guess I need to get myself together and take the risk. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.
When I was 25,I thought that relationships had to go from zero to sixty rather quickly or I didn’t think the guy liked me. Consequently, I ended a couple of potentially good relationships because I didn’t appreciate taking things slowly. It was a painful lesson to learn, although twenty years later, I still have some residue left from my old ways.I don’t like uncertainty in relationships. I like to know where I stand. Mind you, I am not talking about the song and dance that happens in the early stages of getting to know someone, but rather once there’s been some connection, some time spent some understanding established, then I like to know if this is a flash in the plan or does this have the potential to be regular. I’m not looking for marriage,I am looking for consistency. I need some expectations:once a week, once a quarter, once a year. I’m weird.
I fully recognize that the heart of my issue is control and I am working on that but it is hard. I manage people for a living in an industry that is all about accounting for every second in fifteen minute intervals and it is difficult for me to not let that need to manage leak into affairs of the heart because it is a futile effort. Love is all about uncertainty and passion and desire. It really can’t be scheduled.
So with this new year, my continued prayer is for patience and to make peace with the uncertainty because what they say is true: you can’t hurry love. You just have to wait.
I’m not sure if I have a lot to say to my ex and not because we are on bad terms, but rather the opposite. With one exception, I remain connected to them and consider them friends. I also have a policy of letting go of regrets.Hindsight is always 20/20 but the decisions we make in the midst of a relationship make sense to us at the time.
If I could say anything, it is simply thank you for loving me. Thank you for looking past the slightly introverted, sometimes high maintenance woman and making a connection. Even through the rough patches, I learned more about myself and am stronger and wiser as a result. Thank you for sharing your hopes and dreams with me, for letting me see you at your most vulnerable times. I admit that I didn’t always understand your direction in life, but I tried my best to support your journey. Thank you for coming into my life and for taking the time to hear me, see me, feel me, know me. Thank you for loving me in your own way.