My Struggle with Sorry

I struggle with sorry.I used to blame it on the fact that I work in customer service and spend so much time apologizing to customers that the phrase has no meaning to me anymore, but truthfully I have always struggled with sorry.

I’m not sure why but it is hard for me to say it sometimes, especially because I am very careful about the things I say and do. Consequently, if I said it, then I meant it so there’s no need to apologize. I could take the easy way out and say that I am sorry if I hurt you, but that seems a little emotionally dishonest to me.

It’s equally hard for me to ask for an apology or specifically, it’s hard for me to tell someone that my feelings are hurt or that my heart is broken or that I am disappointed. Partly because I don’t want to hear any excuses, but mostly because I don’t want to risk losing the relationship. Mind you, I am not talking about associates, acquaintances or some other superficial connection. I’m talking about those people whom I love deeply. I don’t want to lose the connection so I swallow the pain and the disappointment. I struggle with sorry.

I don’t have a resolution to my struggle at this point, although it is cathartic to articulate it and release it to the universe.

 

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Waiting

When I was 25,I thought that relationships had to go from zero to sixty rather quickly or I didn’t think the guy liked me. Consequently, I ended a couple of potentially good relationships because I didn’t appreciate taking things slowly. It was a painful lesson to learn, although twenty years later, I still have some residue left from my old ways.I don’t like uncertainty in relationships. I like to know where I stand. Mind you, I am not talking about the song and dance that happens in the early stages of getting to know someone, but rather once there’s been some connection, some time spent some understanding established, then I like to know if this is a flash in the plan or does this have the potential to be regular. I’m not looking for marriage,I am looking for consistency. I need some expectations:once a week, once a quarter, once a year. I’m weird.

I fully recognize that the heart of my issue is control and I am working on that but it is hard. I manage people for a living in an industry that is all about accounting for every second in fifteen minute intervals and it is difficult for me to not let that need to manage leak into affairs of the heart because it is a futile effort. Love is all about uncertainty and passion and desire. It really can’t be scheduled.

So with this new year, my continued prayer is for patience and to make peace with the uncertainty because what they say is true: you can’t hurry love. You just have to wait.

I wanna hold your hand

I’m not a very touchy feely person. I don’t normally go out of my way to hug or shake hands, although I do like to cuddle and I really like holding hands. It makes me feel special and safe. It’s very reassuring to have someone hold my hand but it is not something that is common. We hold hands in church and you might see people who are dating doing it, but apart from parents and children, you don’t see it much but it really is a sign of friendship and affection in my mind. To me, hand holding is a way to say that you are important to me and I am here for you. It’s a demonstration of love and connection.

Day 27 – To my Ex

I’m not sure if I have a lot to say to my ex and not because we are on bad terms, but rather the opposite. With one exception, I remain connected to them and consider them friends. I also have a policy of letting go of regrets.Hindsight is always 20/20 but the decisions we make in the midst of a relationship make sense to us at the time.

If I could say anything, ┬áit is simply thank you for loving me. Thank you for looking past the slightly introverted, sometimes high maintenance woman and making a connection. Even through the rough patches, I learned more about myself and am stronger and wiser as a result. Thank you for sharing your hopes and dreams with me, for letting me see you at your most vulnerable times. I admit that I didn’t always understand your direction in life, but I tried my best to support your journey. Thank you for coming into my life and for taking the time to hear me, see me, feel me, know me. Thank you for loving me in your own way.

Party of one

I am single. The challenge for today is to discuss my current relationship. I could go the Facebook copout way and say it’s complicated, but it really isn’t. I am single. I ttried really hard this summer to not be single. I really tried. Oddly enough, both guys, while great, are not very confident in themselves which is unfortunate because they are both great in different ways.

Guy 1 talks a good game.Everything he says is just perfect, but his actions don’t support his flow.At all. I should really call him Cyrano because he is clearly speaking for someone else. Guy 2 is mild mannered, almost a little boring, but I appreciate his simple approach to life. It’s charming to a certain extent, but he lacks ambition and drive and really is most comfortable when I tell him what to do. That’s not exciting to me. I mean I am bossy and I manage people for a living but when it comes to a relationship, I really don’t want to be in charge all the time. If I have to make every single decision, guide every conversation, well I can do that on my own. Consequently, I am single and that is okay for now.